Recently, I have been thinking a lot about this phenomenon that I have dubbed "Playing in the Mud". We all do it. It's human nature. It's the process of wallowing. Focussing on the negatives. Allowing the negatives to define us. Playing in the mud.
I've come to many conclusions about this phenomenon. One of the biggest one is that, as mentioned above, it's unavoidable. While all self help books tell us not to, and offer us tools as to how to avoid doing it, I believe it could be counter-productive and more detrimental to try and avoid it than not. Like everything, there needs to be balance. Denying anything, even a negative emotion, I believe, can do more damage than acknowledging it.
Yet, as mentioned above, there needs to be balance. Everything in moderation. Things go wrong in your life, whether you are late to work 'cause you missed your alarm or you are dealing with emotional scars from the past. But denying how they make you feel could compound the problem. Rather, allow the emotions to be. Allow the pain to come through. I know, this sounds bizarre. But I really believe that there needs to be that point of "grieving" through the pain.
But then move on. Otherwise, you are Playing in the Mud. I'm not saying that you never think about it. I'm not saying you buy out Chapters' self help section, and refuse to ever open that part of your life again. What I mean is allow yourself pain, but give yourself a timeline. Know that it hurts, but know that it will not always be like this. Do whatever you need to in that space to deal with the pain. Eat the ice cream. Take a bath and cry. Scream into your pillow. Talk about it with anyone who'll listen. And then, at the end of the timeline, start a plan of attack. Decide what needs to be done to help the situation, and begin again.
I've recently spent time with a few loved ones who have dealt with 'obstacles' shall we say. Set backs. And I found I had to both times point out this concept of 'playing in the mud'. Yes, this one thing happened. Yes, it is unfair, bad timing, shitty, and painful. I don't disagree with that. And I didn't. For three days. And then a week. After about 10 days, I started to think, okay wait a minute. It's time to move out of this.
Again, I don't want to sound unrealistic. We all know it's not that black and white. You don't wake up one day, decide on a plan of action, and the problem starts to get better immediately. But I'm not saying that. I'm saying, just don't focus on the negative aspect after your deadline. I'm not commanding you to "be better". Just to "Think better". And again, this isn't a quick fix. Because you are going to feel shitty most of the day. But allow yourself the time to shelve it for awhile.
I once spoke with a friend about meditation. I referred to the scene in "Eat, Pray, Love" where Julia Robert's character tries to meditate. And fails miserably. She can't focus after about 1.3 minutes. And what this friend told me was that the way people often approach meditation is unrealistic. They go into it deciding they will meditate for 10-15 minutes. According to my friend, the first time one meditates, 3 minutes is considered a victory. And she told me that no matter how hard I tried, my mind would wander. Her exact words, I believe, were "just accept that". Then, she said, bring your attention back to the area under your eyes. Just feel what they feel like from the inside.
My point with this anecdote is simply this: As with mind wandering during meditation, so is the unavoidable obsession with the negative aspects of an upsetting event. It's going to happen. Accept it. Then, return your thoughts to the area under your eyes. Or, in other words, return your thoughts to something tangible, something realistic, and something true. A plan of attack. Perspective. Glimmers of hope. Moments of quietude and peace. And, above all, make this goal tangible. No, there's a good chance if you decide you aren't going to talk or think negatively for a full day, it won't work. You can't meditate your first time for longer than 3 minutes, for goodness sake. So say, for 15 minutes, I'm going to think of a way to either deal with this event, or gain perspective on the larger picture etc. Like meditation, as you continue practicing, it will get easier to go for longer.
And then one day, you will find that you've stepped out of a mud puddle. And you are cleaner for it.
My approach is not just to play in the mud, but revel in it. Be as absolutely negative, pissed off, unhappy, depressed, what have you, as you can possibly be. Don't tell yourself not to be, just feel it - as completely and thoroughly as you possibly can. Pretty soon, you'll start to pass down the line into the absurd - at that point, it'll either start to seem pretty funny and you'll kick out of it naturally OR it's time to seek professional help.
ReplyDeleteBut by embracing the negative emotions and giving them free reign, you work throw them thoroughly and usually fairly quickly. The emotions aren't gone, but they are in much better perspective.