Playing in the Mud

Recently, I have been thinking a lot about this phenomenon that I have dubbed "Playing in the Mud". We all do it. It's human nature. It's the process of wallowing. Focussing on the negatives. Allowing the negatives to define us. Playing in the mud.

I've come to many conclusions about this phenomenon. One of the biggest one is that, as mentioned above, it's unavoidable. While all self help books tell us not to, and offer us tools as to how to avoid doing it, I believe it could be counter-productive and more detrimental to try and avoid it than not. Like everything, there needs to be balance. Denying anything, even a negative emotion, I believe, can do more damage than acknowledging it.

Yet, as mentioned above, there needs to be balance. Everything in moderation. Things go wrong in your life, whether you are late to work 'cause you missed your alarm or you are dealing with emotional scars from the past. But denying how they make you feel could compound the problem. Rather, allow the emotions to be. Allow the pain to come through. I know, this sounds bizarre. But I really believe that there needs to be that point of "grieving" through the pain.

But then move on. Otherwise, you are Playing in the Mud. I'm not saying that you never think about it. I'm not saying you buy out Chapters' self help section, and refuse to ever open that part of your life again. What I mean is allow yourself pain, but give yourself a timeline. Know that it hurts, but know that it will not always be like this. Do whatever you need to in that space to deal with the pain. Eat the ice cream. Take a bath and cry. Scream into your pillow. Talk about it with anyone who'll listen. And then, at the end of the timeline, start a plan of attack. Decide what needs to be done to help the situation, and begin again.

I've recently spent time with a few loved ones who have dealt with 'obstacles' shall we say. Set backs. And I found I had to both times point out this concept of 'playing in the mud'. Yes, this one thing happened. Yes, it is unfair, bad timing, shitty, and painful. I don't disagree with that. And I didn't. For three days. And then a week. After about 10 days, I started to think, okay wait a minute. It's time to move out of this.

Again, I don't want to sound unrealistic. We all know it's not that black and white. You don't wake up one day, decide on a plan of action, and the problem starts to get better immediately. But I'm not saying that. I'm saying, just don't focus on the negative aspect after your deadline. I'm not commanding you to "be better". Just to "Think better". And again, this isn't a quick fix. Because you are going to feel shitty most of the day. But allow yourself the time to shelve it for awhile.

I once spoke with a friend about meditation. I referred to the scene in "Eat, Pray, Love" where Julia Robert's character tries to meditate. And fails miserably. She can't focus after about 1.3 minutes. And what this friend told me was that the way people often approach meditation is unrealistic. They go into it deciding they will meditate for 10-15 minutes. According to my friend, the first time one meditates, 3 minutes is considered a victory. And she told me that no matter how hard I tried, my mind would wander. Her exact words, I believe, were "just accept that". Then, she said, bring your attention back to the area under your eyes. Just feel what they feel like from the inside.

My point with this anecdote is simply this: As with mind wandering during meditation, so is the unavoidable obsession with the negative aspects of an upsetting event. It's going to happen. Accept it. Then, return your thoughts to the area under your eyes. Or, in other words, return your thoughts to something tangible, something realistic, and something true. A plan of attack. Perspective. Glimmers of hope. Moments of quietude and peace. And, above all, make this goal tangible. No, there's a good chance if you decide you aren't going to talk or think negatively for a full day, it won't work. You can't meditate your first time for longer than 3 minutes, for goodness sake. So say, for 15 minutes, I'm going to think of a way to either deal with this event, or gain perspective on the larger picture etc. Like meditation, as you continue practicing, it will get easier to go for longer.

And then one day, you will find that you've stepped out of a mud puddle. And you are cleaner for it.

A Little Girl

Yesterday, I was meeting with a friend of mine in the mall. We were having a regular conversation when a young girl, probably about 7 or 8, ran into the middle of the food court, and let out a piercing scream. At first, we just ignored her, figuring a temper tantrum. But then I took a closer look. And recognized the sheer panic in her saucer-sized eyes. She was lost. And VERY frightened.

Before I could react, another lady, obviously a mother, but not hers (she was of different ethnic background to the little girl) came up to her and immediately began to ask the girl what her mom looked like. Where she saw her last, etc etc. The girl was too far into a panic that she couldn’t answer. So the woman said “I’m going to pick you up so you can look and see if you see her”. I was amazed that the girl let her, though she seemed to be oblivious of the woman, and just frantically looking around.

By this time, everyone in the food court was focused on this activity. Most of us were also looking in every direction, trying to locate what was probably an equally frantic woman running across the mall to collect her child. The agitation grew as the moments flew by and this didn’t happen.

Finally, the woman began to walk towards a worker – a cleaning lady emptying the garbage. After a few moments, a security guard appeared, and the three of them hurried away together.

After a few startled moments, the food court returned to its familiar buzz, and the incident was forgotten. But every once and awhile, the little girl crosses my mind. What was the story there? How had she gotten so misplaced at the mall? Did she find mom? And how long was it until they were reunited?

I recall the look of complete panic and fear in the little girl’s eyes. We’ve all been there haven’t we? Some of us have been in both positions – played the part of the little girl, and of the stricken mother.

There are times that I forget how safe we are in Canada. Because that scene at the mall would be so different in some of the war torn countries. While the general feeling at the mall was sympathy for the little girl, there was little panic among the onlookers. We felt her fear, but we also knew better – mom’s around. And she isn’t going anywhere till she gets her little one back. But in war torn countries, that wouldn’t be as certain. And the little girl may not have been the only child screaming and missing a parent. And the onlookers would be dealing with their own terror at the same time.

While I don’t know the ending to the scene yesterday, I can pretty much guess. A reunion, some stern words, a few tears, and then hugs and affection. But in so many areas in the world, those endings are few and far between.

And that little girl doesn’t know how lucky she really is…

Apologies..... and Elevators

Well, I was afraid this was going to happen. This was one of the reasons I avoided creating a blog. Because I knew I would start to lose interest in keeping it updated. That unless I made profound discoveries that I could put into great diction, and proper grammar and spelling, it wasn’t worth posting. Therefore there would be long stretches where there would be no posts… And it has come to this.

I am sorry for that, I really am. Part of it is that I do not feel like getting on the computer on weekends, or evenings after spending most of my days at work in front of one. But mostly, it is due to what I said above - lack of anything real to say.

I make minor observations daily which I think “this would be good on the blog”. But I just don’t ever get around to writing it down.

One example of this, was a couple of weeks ago, when an acquaintance of mine was in the hospital, and I was riding elevators on a daily basis. Aren’t elevators just the most intricate social experiment, I thought. Think about it. Have you ever watched people in an elevator? They are such a strain for most people. It creates an instant social cohesion. Everyone is forced to be closer than proper social convention dictates, and because it’s such a brief encounter, it almost offers the opportunity for the most intense connection. Say, in a hospital for instance. You know the other people are visiting someone. Often someone very close to them, much like yourself. And you can form a bond over that so quickly.

Then there are less straight forward social connections. If you get in an elevator with someone, and they make a comment about your purse, or the weather, etc, are you required/expected to bid them adieu when you reach your floor? Or if they reach theirs, do you have a right to be slightly put out if they don’t say anything upon exiting? And what is the appropriate exiting words? “Have a good life” seems rather presumptious, and awfully flippant. But really, it’s one of the nicest things to say… and kind of appropriate in a way.

And there are the different types of elevators. There are elevators which have the buttons for the floors on both sides instead of one. These are easier on many because they don’t have to reach as far, or ask others to punch the buttons for them. There are elevators that are glass therefore affording a more open feeling, rather than the more traditional, and older boxed in versions. Nightmares for claustophobics. What about the elevators with doors on either side? For people with directional problems, those cause a sort of twilight zone pendulum shift for them. Yes, I thought, there’s a lot to be said about elevators.

But would anyone listen? Would anyone care? Or would you all read this and say… okaaaayyy, she started off great with reviews on books and movies, but then started talking about elevators?

Well, have no fear. I have joined a book club. Yes, a real live book club with real bona-fide paperbacks (though, I admit, I’m using the Kobo e-reader). But still. And yes, we are having in depth discussions over real ‘thinker’ books. Which I am hoping to be able to comment here on my blog.

So, I’ll leave you with two promises:

1 – I will endeavour to be MUCH more consistent with postings and

2 – No more blogs about elevators :D