Social Events/Gatherings

In the last five days, I've attended a play, a fundraiser-type event, a funeral service, a bridal shower, and a general social gathering (BBQ), and I felt the need, per se, to comment on them. I think social events/gatherings can say a lot about human nature. After all, we are indeed social creatures. As I've said before, we really do need other people in our lives, much as some may argue, and much as some may hate to admit it. But truly, we do need to be with others. And there are innumerable ways of doing that.

Some ways are more interactive than others. For example, a BBQ holds more opportunity for interaction than, say, going out to a play. Some are more emotionally charged as in the case of a funeral service or perhaps a fundraiser, depending on what the funds are being raised for. Having run the full gamut of emotions this week (crying at funerals, and laughing at bridal showers) I really appreciate the diversity in my life. What's so amazing, is that this is available to all of us, in all our lives.

I invite you to think about your week, either just past, or coming up. Perhaps even extend that out to a month. What social events/gatherings did you attend. And, more importantly, WHY? Because to me, this is one of the most interesting questions to ask with regards to social events. When there are so many choices, so many varied activities, what is it that makes one choose an event over another? As mentioned in my 20 Things I've Learned This Year, Opportunity Cost is very prevalent in most peoples' decision making process. So, how do we rule out what we attend, and what we don't, and which cost is the least, and which benefit is the best? And are we always right?


Some gatherings are no brainers. Funerals are a good example of this. It is one of the only social gatherings in which it is acceptable to hold it at any time during the week, and people are permitted to put everything on pause in order to attend. Perhaps this is why it is a no brainer? There is very little opportunity cost with regards to a funeral, as you cannot lose your job, your friends/spouse/family cannot blame you, and essentially, the world will stand still so that you may attend. And so, with nothing to lose, we are free to attend. In thinking about this further, it is really only fair. As funeral's are so painful, there should be no downfall in attending and paying ones respects. As I attended one this week, the thought did occur to me that it is such a shame that one of the main events that draws all the people you care about into one room for you happens when you are no longer around. Seems like such a waste.

Making the decision to go to fundraisers, or to a play invites a little bit more of the weighing of options, pros, cons etc. As these two often demand the commitment of more than just time (and often monetarily) what is it that drives people to make such commitments? I would like to say some of it is curiosity? A sense of just looking for something out there, something different. I think supporting others in their efforts can come into play (pardon the pun) as it did for me... And the desire (in the case of a fundraiser) to help add to something bigger than oneself? Trying to attain Maslow's Self Actualization by reaching out to do good for others, for the environment, for the economy, or even for the world at large.

And then we come to the last category (of my events anyways) that of the bridal shower, and the BBQ. The BBQ offers a chance to merely catch up, to touch base with others, to enjoy other company. Whether they are with close friends, relatives, or people you only share a few things in common with, the decisions to attend stem from the concept of Opportunity Cost at it's very core. Bridal showers, however, invite a certain paradigm to them. They are almost always happy, they are always sort of an expected rite of passage, a marking-of-time, a pushpin in the roadmap of life. It is to support our fellow human beings, our peers, that we attend these events. And yet, we benefit as well, as we are able to step in to this roadmap and be a part of this rite of passage. We glimpse the road, and we mark time, and it is a sort of opportunity for us to re-evaluate our own roadmap, and (though we'd sometimes rather not) compare it amongst ourselves. This can make such an event hard or great, and can also determine our will to attend, or even how long we stay... In my case, I was just happy to be there, glimpse the road and say "I'm okay, you're okay, it's all okay. Carry on". :)

Social events are an opportunity to have a touch stone. To see others and have them see us. To remember we are all part of the same world, but are allowed, and even encouraged to view it and approach it differently. I am blessed to have so many avenues to explore this with. And I hope you are all more aware of the social events you attend, especially as the summer draws near. Make conscious decisions, and be present at the events. They are such rich opportunities for self and human nature discoveries!!

Random Readers Book Club #2 – ROOM by Emma Donoghue

As promised, I am coming to you now with a book review on Emma Donoghue’s slightly chilling book “Room”.

This book met with mixed reviews at our club last night. Some found it a difficult read as it is written entirely from the POV of a young child – who turns 5 in the first few words of the story. Some whizzed through it because it was so simply written. All of us, though, were able to agree that it was a tough subject, and forced a lot of reflection on the current state of the world.

A brief synopsis, as always:

5 year old Jack lives with his mother in a tiny 11x12 foot box, known to Jack as Room. A popular slogan found for the book goes “Room is all there is”. Jack has never been outside of Room. He was born there, and grown up there, and as far as he knows, there is no other world beyond Room. His mother ensures he develops both physically and intellectually by dividing their days into specific time slots for numerous and varied activities. These activities range from ‘gym’ where they do physical activity to “repeat” where they watch T.V. and the mother mutes it every once and awhile for Jack to repeat everything he can remember, thus developing his vocabulary.

Half of the book is spent developing these two characters, and describing in great detail the painstaking effort Jack’s mother puts into his development. This is then constantly overshadowed by an eerie sense of foreboding when they do much more sinister activities such as “scream” where they stand as close to the skylight as possible (the only vessel for natural light) and yell and scream at the top of their lungs. Or the strangeness of the mother flicking the light on and off at night for varying intervals of time. And finally, the visits from “Old Nick” throughout which time Jack is always hidden in the wardrobe, safe from the old man’s eyes. All of this leaves readers with a sense of uneasiness that builds until the reasons behind Room and their complete captivity is revealed.

While I will not delve into the plotline too much so as not to reveal the story, I will say they do eventually get out of Room, and are then forced to re-enter society. This becomes a task so enormous to Jack that he is then prompted to say the heart-wrenching phrase “In Room I was safe, and it’s Outside that’s the scary”.

The book left us all a bit empty as it does demand readers sit within their own unease for a good 54% of the book, and then forces them to confront the state of the world, and what people can be capable of. All from the innocence of a young boy’s mind, making it all the more heartbreaking. It also opens the door to many philosophical questions about the nature of our lives, and how much of our physical environments are tangible, and how much of them are merely our perceptions?

While I enjoyed the metaphysical and psychological aspects of the book, I did find it to have moments when it was a little disjointed. It seemed strange to me that this mother would spend so much time and effort to teach her child and protect her child and yet, once they re-entered society, she seemed to do a 180 and was suddenly very impatient with him. She would demand so much of Jack, seemingly frustrated that he was so slow at adapting to this strange new world. There was also discussion last night about the way they were able to get out of Room and how the process seemed to be a little far fetched. Many a CSI moment to it, and was a little hard to believe.

All in all, it was a great read. I liked the POV for the reason that it did offer euphemisms for some acts I was happy to turn my proverbial blind eye. There were also some beautiful imagery and similes/metaphors interwoven, one of which I’ll share below:

“When I tell her what I’m thinking, and she tells me what she’s thinking our ideas jump into each others’ head like coloring blue crayon on top of yellow that makes green.”

Lovely.

I also enjoyed the psychological look at how Jack would adapt to being outside of Room and trying to take on his new environment. Interestingly, while there was appropriate attention paid to the obvious immaturities with regards to social responses, the book also focused on the less obvious things of his challenge. Such as the fact that Jack had severe spatial problems, and would constantly be bumping into things. Having lived for 5 years in the same 11x12 foot space, he was so familiar with that environment, he didn’t develop that part of the brain which recognized new physical objects and created the process of learning how to avoid them.

Another poignant image was when the news and media began calling Jack the “Bonsai Boy” as in, Stunted Growth. He was mature in his vocabulary, math, etc. healthy and seemingly perfectly preserved like the bonsai tree. Yet, he was also stunted in that he had not developed in so many other (social) ways.

Emma Donoghue does a wonderful job with this book, and I do give her credit, though I also found some aspects at times uncomfortable and hard to face. Having said that, I believe that this was the point of the book, as Emma did not mean to leave anyone with the warm and fuzzies after reading. Though it does end with the promise of a new life for our mother and son, it still forces us to recognize there are dark facets to society, and the effects are so far reaching, we cannot even fathom.

Thank you all for reading, and I hope you’ll come back in a month for our next book “Everyone is Beautiful” by Katherine Center. Kudos to Robyn for choosing, as the name suggests, what promises to be an uplifting great summer read.

Thanks again, and we’ll see you all soon!

20 Things I've Learned in the Last Year

I've been rolling these things around in my mind for awhile now and have finally decided to get them down on paper. Most of these things I had heard somewhere before throughout my 20 some years (;D) but didn't have an actual example that applied it to me specifically until recently. Some of these things were learned the hard way. But all of it was enlightening, and I hope you get something from them too ;D

1. People disappoint you. It’s a fact of life. And more often than not, it is purely unintentional.

2. Everyone is different. In the absolute most fundamental way. Everyone has different perceptions on everything because they have all grown up in a different environment, with different influences, and forming brain connections at different times etc etc etc.

3. Further to number 2 – Perception = Biased Perspective. This is often the basis for most arguments, disagreements and fights.

4. Further to number 3 – the belief that, in an argument someone is right and someone is wrong is not only narrow-minded but also, (and ironically) false. Most of the time, all parties are right because of the fact in number 2. People come at all things from their own heads. Metaphysically, since their upbringing, environment, beliefs, and experiences have drawn them to the conclusion they have, how can anyone say they are wrong?

5. Most things happen for a reason. And please keep in mind I’m only coming at this from MY OWN fairly sheltered experience. I am not commenting on rape victims, families of murdered members etc etc. Just from my own life, and the lives of people around me. And I did say MOST things happen for a reason. Not all.

6. Further to number 5 – there is a way to see the good in almost everything. There is a logical, theoretical, and mathematical way to apply the concepts of ‘The Secret’ to life. I have a vague understanding of this, but not quite concrete enough to write a dissertation ;)

7.  People change. But the paradigm here is that this statement includes you too. So the change may be small in the others, but when you change at the same time, the combined effect seems much larger.

8. The concept of Opportunity Cost is much more prevalent in most peoples’ decision making than they realize.

9. Crying is allowed. But there is a limit to how much other people tolerate. And that limit depends on many factors.

10. I have a theory on why there is so much divorce – up until the time we marry, we as a society are presented with everything in our lives in the construct of a specific timeline. School is only so many months of the year. Then, that particular SCHOOL is only so many years before you move to another. Even once graduated, the average person nowadays works at a job for 3-4 years. And then, standing up at the altar, we are asked to commit to something FOREVER, a concept we have NEVER had to consider before… Is it any wonder marriages fall apart in the first couple of years???

11. The statement “People come into your life for a reason, a season, or forever” is truer than most people realize, and causes a lot of pain when your idea of where a person should fit isn’t actually true. It is a sign of great maturity when you are able to see that your perception was off, and accept the real slot that person fits into.

12. Everyone has their shit/Everyone has their story. And there’s a time and place to delve into that. But again, balance. There needs to be a limit. And everyone should take turns both telling their story and listening to others’ stories.

13. There are people in the world who, to the rest of us, appear perfect, and blessed. The ones for whom everything goes smoothly. And for some of them, the ax never does fall. And I believe those people are here to be shoulders for those of us who do have more trials. They are our supporters, and we are better equipped to handle trials because of these people and their help.

14. It isn’t fair to compare trials. Because the most pressing pain for any given person is the worst pain they’ve ever experienced. So, regardless of the trial causing the pain, their pain is just as real as any others’.

15. We are social creatures. As much as I believe there is a way to achieve happiness purely within oneself, we still all need to feel important to others as well.

16. The world IS amazing. And there’s a lot to be said for seeing it, experiencing it, and appreciating it.

17. Most of the time, conflicts can be solved quickly because people are often only looking for the following: a) To be heard b) An apology (ie: validation).

18. Things will go wrong. It’s not about avoiding problems. It’s about how you deal with them.

19. Allow yourself victory. Sorry to say, but for the most part no one else is going to continuously build you up, and pat you on the back. So do yourself a favor, and do it FOR yourself.

20. There are so many things in the world that can stress us out. Really analyze the things that do, and decide if they are worth it. Because if they aren’t, there are many more things that are out there merely to be experienced, and marveled at. A much more worthy past time don’t you think?

Random Reader's Book Club #1: Handle with Care by Jodi Picoult

As promised, I will be commenting on the various books I'll be reading within my bookclub, The Random Readers. Our first selection was "Handle with Care" by Jodi Picoult.

If you don't know her, Jodi Picoult was the author of "My Sisters' Keeper" a highly well known novel that has now been fashioned into a movie. Handle with Care is basically just another version.

For those who do know her, Jodi Picoult delivered, in this novel, her traditional formula:

Moral Dilemna + Court Case + Bang over the head symbolism and parallel characters + Twist at the end = Handle with Care

An enjoyable read, if you go in with this expectation. Which I did. Having read both My Sister's Keeper, and Vanishing Acts, I was well aware of Picoult's style, and was not the least bit surprised by her latest work of fiction.

A brief synopsis:

A blended family of four (two adults, two kids) are dealing with one of the child's (Willow - as in bends but doesn't break) debilitating disease: Osteogenesis Imperfecta. As the name suggests, this disease has to do with mal-formed bones which are said to be 'brittle' and break at the drop of a hat. Willow breaks bones when she sneezes. And she will always be small as her bones will never grow to their full extent.

The major plot around this is that the Mother (Charlotte) is offerred the chance to testify in a lawsuit that could award her a large sum of money to cover Willow's needs both at present, in the future, and even beyond Charlotte's earthly existance as her care giver. However, the lawsuit is one of "Wrongful Birth" which suggests that had Charlotte known early enough about the disease from her accused gynecologist, she would have terminated the pregnancy. In other words, she has to swear she would've had Willow's birth prevented knowing full well Willow is old enough to understand, and knowing how the world will react (including her husband Sean, and her other daughter Amelia). Oh, and by the way, her gynocologist whom she is suing also happens to be her best friend, Piper. Yeah.

Of course, there's also Charlotte's lawyer, who, as with the lawyer in My Sister's Keeper, also has a side story pertaining to the dilemna. Finally, just for extra measure, Picoult makes Charlotte an ex-pastry chef, a career which continually demands the 'careful handling' of ingredients etc. To punctuate, Picoult ads a recipe for a different pastry every couple of chapters.

I did enjoy the novel, as it was easy to get through, and delivered exactly what Picoult always promises. As with any hit-over-the-head symbolism, I found myself rolling my eyes a lot. Mostly at the end, when the twist I had figured out a couple chapters prior turned out as expected. If you are fan of Jodi Picoult, bottom line: This novel will not disappoint. Jodi writes as though she is expecting to be read for a bookclub. So we did our part, and proceeded accordingly.

At the book club we discussed briefly the elements of the book that merit conversation. The moral dilemna of course as the main topic. Should someone be allowed to sue for "Wrongful Birth" if the baby is born less than perfect? How far away is this then from genetically engineered babies?

Personally, I think the lawsuit was justified. Yes, it was hard on the Mother, and the rest of the family. But when it comes down to it, Mama bear will always sacrifice for the good of her child. Even if it means hurting her a little bit in the present to reap greater rewards in the future.

There is one very powerful scene at the climax of the book where Charlotte is on trial, and is asked point-blank if she would've had Willow's existence terminated given the choice. Charlotte's response is absolutely perfect, and as a logicaly and metaphysicaly minded person, I ate it up. Essentially, Charlotte responded by saying that the question wasn't really applicable, nor justified because she now knows Willow inside and out, and loves her deeply, and wouldn't trade her for the world. It is impossible to answer a question about making a decision in the past now that she is in the future, and has the knowledge on the issue which she lacked at that time. The lawsuit was about the fact that she wasn't offerred the choice, not about which choice she would've made. Well done Jodi. Lovely use of the metaphysical and abstract!

I will not spoil the ending, and will not go into further detail to allow for your own reading pleasure, and opinion formation.

I'm pleased to announce it was my choice for the next book within the bookclub, and I have assigned Emma Donoghue's "Room". Stay tuned for its review next month ;D

Playing in the Mud

Recently, I have been thinking a lot about this phenomenon that I have dubbed "Playing in the Mud". We all do it. It's human nature. It's the process of wallowing. Focussing on the negatives. Allowing the negatives to define us. Playing in the mud.

I've come to many conclusions about this phenomenon. One of the biggest one is that, as mentioned above, it's unavoidable. While all self help books tell us not to, and offer us tools as to how to avoid doing it, I believe it could be counter-productive and more detrimental to try and avoid it than not. Like everything, there needs to be balance. Denying anything, even a negative emotion, I believe, can do more damage than acknowledging it.

Yet, as mentioned above, there needs to be balance. Everything in moderation. Things go wrong in your life, whether you are late to work 'cause you missed your alarm or you are dealing with emotional scars from the past. But denying how they make you feel could compound the problem. Rather, allow the emotions to be. Allow the pain to come through. I know, this sounds bizarre. But I really believe that there needs to be that point of "grieving" through the pain.

But then move on. Otherwise, you are Playing in the Mud. I'm not saying that you never think about it. I'm not saying you buy out Chapters' self help section, and refuse to ever open that part of your life again. What I mean is allow yourself pain, but give yourself a timeline. Know that it hurts, but know that it will not always be like this. Do whatever you need to in that space to deal with the pain. Eat the ice cream. Take a bath and cry. Scream into your pillow. Talk about it with anyone who'll listen. And then, at the end of the timeline, start a plan of attack. Decide what needs to be done to help the situation, and begin again.

I've recently spent time with a few loved ones who have dealt with 'obstacles' shall we say. Set backs. And I found I had to both times point out this concept of 'playing in the mud'. Yes, this one thing happened. Yes, it is unfair, bad timing, shitty, and painful. I don't disagree with that. And I didn't. For three days. And then a week. After about 10 days, I started to think, okay wait a minute. It's time to move out of this.

Again, I don't want to sound unrealistic. We all know it's not that black and white. You don't wake up one day, decide on a plan of action, and the problem starts to get better immediately. But I'm not saying that. I'm saying, just don't focus on the negative aspect after your deadline. I'm not commanding you to "be better". Just to "Think better". And again, this isn't a quick fix. Because you are going to feel shitty most of the day. But allow yourself the time to shelve it for awhile.

I once spoke with a friend about meditation. I referred to the scene in "Eat, Pray, Love" where Julia Robert's character tries to meditate. And fails miserably. She can't focus after about 1.3 minutes. And what this friend told me was that the way people often approach meditation is unrealistic. They go into it deciding they will meditate for 10-15 minutes. According to my friend, the first time one meditates, 3 minutes is considered a victory. And she told me that no matter how hard I tried, my mind would wander. Her exact words, I believe, were "just accept that". Then, she said, bring your attention back to the area under your eyes. Just feel what they feel like from the inside.

My point with this anecdote is simply this: As with mind wandering during meditation, so is the unavoidable obsession with the negative aspects of an upsetting event. It's going to happen. Accept it. Then, return your thoughts to the area under your eyes. Or, in other words, return your thoughts to something tangible, something realistic, and something true. A plan of attack. Perspective. Glimmers of hope. Moments of quietude and peace. And, above all, make this goal tangible. No, there's a good chance if you decide you aren't going to talk or think negatively for a full day, it won't work. You can't meditate your first time for longer than 3 minutes, for goodness sake. So say, for 15 minutes, I'm going to think of a way to either deal with this event, or gain perspective on the larger picture etc. Like meditation, as you continue practicing, it will get easier to go for longer.

And then one day, you will find that you've stepped out of a mud puddle. And you are cleaner for it.

A Little Girl

Yesterday, I was meeting with a friend of mine in the mall. We were having a regular conversation when a young girl, probably about 7 or 8, ran into the middle of the food court, and let out a piercing scream. At first, we just ignored her, figuring a temper tantrum. But then I took a closer look. And recognized the sheer panic in her saucer-sized eyes. She was lost. And VERY frightened.

Before I could react, another lady, obviously a mother, but not hers (she was of different ethnic background to the little girl) came up to her and immediately began to ask the girl what her mom looked like. Where she saw her last, etc etc. The girl was too far into a panic that she couldn’t answer. So the woman said “I’m going to pick you up so you can look and see if you see her”. I was amazed that the girl let her, though she seemed to be oblivious of the woman, and just frantically looking around.

By this time, everyone in the food court was focused on this activity. Most of us were also looking in every direction, trying to locate what was probably an equally frantic woman running across the mall to collect her child. The agitation grew as the moments flew by and this didn’t happen.

Finally, the woman began to walk towards a worker – a cleaning lady emptying the garbage. After a few moments, a security guard appeared, and the three of them hurried away together.

After a few startled moments, the food court returned to its familiar buzz, and the incident was forgotten. But every once and awhile, the little girl crosses my mind. What was the story there? How had she gotten so misplaced at the mall? Did she find mom? And how long was it until they were reunited?

I recall the look of complete panic and fear in the little girl’s eyes. We’ve all been there haven’t we? Some of us have been in both positions – played the part of the little girl, and of the stricken mother.

There are times that I forget how safe we are in Canada. Because that scene at the mall would be so different in some of the war torn countries. While the general feeling at the mall was sympathy for the little girl, there was little panic among the onlookers. We felt her fear, but we also knew better – mom’s around. And she isn’t going anywhere till she gets her little one back. But in war torn countries, that wouldn’t be as certain. And the little girl may not have been the only child screaming and missing a parent. And the onlookers would be dealing with their own terror at the same time.

While I don’t know the ending to the scene yesterday, I can pretty much guess. A reunion, some stern words, a few tears, and then hugs and affection. But in so many areas in the world, those endings are few and far between.

And that little girl doesn’t know how lucky she really is…

Apologies..... and Elevators

Well, I was afraid this was going to happen. This was one of the reasons I avoided creating a blog. Because I knew I would start to lose interest in keeping it updated. That unless I made profound discoveries that I could put into great diction, and proper grammar and spelling, it wasn’t worth posting. Therefore there would be long stretches where there would be no posts… And it has come to this.

I am sorry for that, I really am. Part of it is that I do not feel like getting on the computer on weekends, or evenings after spending most of my days at work in front of one. But mostly, it is due to what I said above - lack of anything real to say.

I make minor observations daily which I think “this would be good on the blog”. But I just don’t ever get around to writing it down.

One example of this, was a couple of weeks ago, when an acquaintance of mine was in the hospital, and I was riding elevators on a daily basis. Aren’t elevators just the most intricate social experiment, I thought. Think about it. Have you ever watched people in an elevator? They are such a strain for most people. It creates an instant social cohesion. Everyone is forced to be closer than proper social convention dictates, and because it’s such a brief encounter, it almost offers the opportunity for the most intense connection. Say, in a hospital for instance. You know the other people are visiting someone. Often someone very close to them, much like yourself. And you can form a bond over that so quickly.

Then there are less straight forward social connections. If you get in an elevator with someone, and they make a comment about your purse, or the weather, etc, are you required/expected to bid them adieu when you reach your floor? Or if they reach theirs, do you have a right to be slightly put out if they don’t say anything upon exiting? And what is the appropriate exiting words? “Have a good life” seems rather presumptious, and awfully flippant. But really, it’s one of the nicest things to say… and kind of appropriate in a way.

And there are the different types of elevators. There are elevators which have the buttons for the floors on both sides instead of one. These are easier on many because they don’t have to reach as far, or ask others to punch the buttons for them. There are elevators that are glass therefore affording a more open feeling, rather than the more traditional, and older boxed in versions. Nightmares for claustophobics. What about the elevators with doors on either side? For people with directional problems, those cause a sort of twilight zone pendulum shift for them. Yes, I thought, there’s a lot to be said about elevators.

But would anyone listen? Would anyone care? Or would you all read this and say… okaaaayyy, she started off great with reviews on books and movies, but then started talking about elevators?

Well, have no fear. I have joined a book club. Yes, a real live book club with real bona-fide paperbacks (though, I admit, I’m using the Kobo e-reader). But still. And yes, we are having in depth discussions over real ‘thinker’ books. Which I am hoping to be able to comment here on my blog.

So, I’ll leave you with two promises:

1 – I will endeavour to be MUCH more consistent with postings and

2 – No more blogs about elevators :D